CULTURALLY HOMELESS
BLOOD – MIND – SOUL

Quite frankly, not many people will understand this essay because of the lack of language and or cultural skills or the lack of having traveled as much as I have but I’m also abnormal so it’s not anybody’s fault. I think diplomat children and people who speak multiple languages intrinsically well can relate the most to this topic but I hope to shed light to people who are curious and may have had glimpses of this feeling but don’t know where to put it. May this essay serve as confirmation that this feeling is real and there are people who are actually homeless in their heart. Just like some other people have become ‘politically homeless’ over time in the US, I have become culturally homeless in my heart. Besides speaking russian, which I learned at a later stage of my life, I speak Lithuanian, English & German fluently and basically understand the ins&outs of each culture. My BLOOD is Lithuanian, my BRAIN works in a German way but my SOUL is definitely American, where I spent my most formative years at (17-22yrs old). You can ask my African American friends in the US, I’m sure they can confirm that I definitely have SOUL 😉 In this essay I will try and lay out the fundamentals of this first world problem and how it affects my daily life and hopefully it can help you feel not alone in this fight of being misunderstood if you find yourself in the same space that I do sometimes.

First of, without my parents and their openness to venture out into a new country after Lithuania’s newly found independence I wouldn’t be where I’m at now. This cultural exposure early on helped me to become adaptable and open to any new situation that arrives. I started Kindergarden in Germany, went to 1st grade in the US, came back to Germany to go through the school system there, finished HS in Louisiana and gained my University degree in Arkansas before returning to Germany to play basketball professionally. I didn’t even understand that I was thinking and being different until I was exposed to people my age that didn’t understand my way of behaving and thinking…this is what triggered a series of reflections on my background and why things are the way they are. These different point of views that I have on a lot of topics are a result of having been exposed to a variety of cultures and not only for a short period but for years at a time. I basically lived the American dream before even going to the US, I identified with the language and culture far before my arrival by watching Disney movies in English my whole childhood..that’s why I was easily fully immersed whenever I arrived in Louisiana. Sub-cultures from within the community was a new layer that I haven’t felt before and therefore didn’t see a big deal in doing out of the ordinary things. What 17year young white boy do you know that will go spend the weekend in the Shreveport-hood with his African American teammate, drink cool-aid all weekend, watch And-1 mixtape and hoop outside with the homies? …Me…and I loved every bit of it, felt like the friendship elevated to another level just because of my openness to do so. These five years in the US became the most transformative years of my life because from that point on, whether I was playing with American teammates or was coaching them, it allowed me to break through the invisible shield and connect on a different level. They felt understood and I was trusted therefore also felt understood. I could express myself in a very natural way and I like how the sub-cultures varied from within the US culture. First time I watched ‘Kings of Comedy’ with my college roommate, I didn’t understand a word that was said…I had to rewatch it about 10 times on a loop…that tore down walls in me and I started to communicate in a completely different way to my peers. My college roommate breaking down Jay-Z lyrics to me took it to another level. I felt like I found my groove…and my SOUL!

Moving back to Germany after having spend five years in the US felt natural because I knew where I was going back to…I was going back ‘home’, where I originally came from…so no big cultural-shock in that aspect. My MIND understood the German way of doing things and knew how to apply that intrinsic knowledge to each situation that came up socially. At that point, I still didn’t see a big difference between me being German in my brain with boring humor and me being American in my soul with a fascinating and goofy personality, which makes me love myself the most. In German, I could easily make people laugh not with the dry jokes but with cultural references or simple one-word expressions. I didn’t have to switch up drastically between the two languages because I don’t have to translate in my head, they come natural after spending so many important years. 

All along, we spoke only Lithuanian at home, that was rule #1…but at the same time it was a ‘hub’…a bubble of sorts because ‘home Lithuanian’ is not ‘street Lithuanian’ that you learn only when you live there amongst your peers on a daily basis. Visiting in the summers and playing Streetball with friends you learn to adapt and even though they make fun of your weird Lithuanian sentences that you form in your mind, they still understand you…but they also see the difference and know that you are not from here. 6 weeks of the year in Lithuania doesn’t make me ‘a local’. Later, as an adult, I got to spend eleven long summers with the National Team of Lithuania where every little Lithuanian grammar mistake was immediately visible and pointed out, used as ammunition because it was so different and off the wall funny sometimes. 

In my mind, this was the first time I understood that the way I was building some sentences were translations from my other cultural expressions that didn’t exist in this particular culture. Sometimes you find words in one culture/language that you would love to use in the other but they don’t exist, so you force them by translating and if the receiver has not the capacity to pick up what you mean or doesn’t have the open-mind to think that there is a possibility of a different angle, it’ll be more funny as in ‘jokes on me’ instead of illuminating a different angle of things. 

Imagine your blood is Lithuanian and you come to your country and have to change the way you talk and express yourself in order to be understood fully. I basically become like everyone else and lose my SOUL in this whole charade while my ‘German brain’ is malfunctioning in the most basic social situations while juggling between my SOUL and my BLOOD. When you grow up in a culture, you know the culture in & out and know which cultural joke or comment or even one sentence that serves as a reference to a series (i.e. Friends) can break the ice while trying to be artificially funny in your ‘native’ language comes across as awkward and dry. If I totally embrace (another beautiful word that doesn’t exist in many languages) the Lithuanian culture and act like I belong by fitting in, I lose my MIND (German) and my SOUL (American) and become totally irrelevant in terms of personality…and it’s nobody’s fault. 

Your SOUL is your identity and you have to search SOUL-MATES in the most friendliest of terms within any culture you find yourself. SOUL-MATES are a rare breed, they don’t necessary have to have gone through the same journey but they have to have the capacity to understand you…and this mostly comes from experiences they had. Some people understand you with a single smile or a specific intonation you use…usually your best friend doesn’t need much extra information, he ‘gets it’ but others see/read/hear the same thing and they don’t recognize the pattern because they don’t feel or see what you see. Often times they laugh because it seems totally not logical. It’s unfortunate and at the same time fascinating how different you can be & feel in different languages & cultures. 

I grew up in Germany but my name gave away the information that I was a visitor though my language didn’t. In many regards it feels familiar and very safe to be in Germany, the mind knows what to do and which rules to follow. In America, my soul and charisma shines but in the end, you are de facto a visitor and need to come to terms that you won’t be there for long, enjoy it while it lasts…and hopefully the peers as well 🙂 I come to Lithuania, to visit my blood-brothers & sisters and feel totally mis-understood majority of the time. It’s almost like I have to dampen 60% of my personality in order to function in the society because the intonations and tones of the Lithuanian words don’t fit my persona…as self-centered as it sounds. This means that the Lithuanian version of Benas doesn’t feel like Benas and doesn’t like himself as much as in other languages. Don’t forget the fact that speaking English to a French or Spanish person is not the same cultural experience as speaking English to an American, who needs time to understand that you actually understand their culture…once they do, we understand each other on a different level by using the same little intonations and language cadences. 

It’s like you’re always searching for a new algorithm in a culture where you feel homeless and continue to lose yourself in the process of it. As long as you don’t travel and live abroad to learn not only about the culture but also about yourself, you will struggle to understand my words in this essay. Once you experience the layers of a language and gain sub-cultural knowledge within each country through their language, you will not only learn about them but widen the spectrum of your personality and learn that there is a lot more to yourself than you ever thought there is.

I urge everyone to live abroad, the earlier the better. You may lose your roots a bit but you will find new roots that possibly fit you better. You will leave a piece of yourself behind each time you pack up and go but you will pick up new pieces of yourself as you immerse yourself in a new country. It’s on you to understand where your soul feels most comfortable at and discover the inner depths of your personality. All these experiences help me in my daily job to connect with people because it makes me understand the variety of possibilities of what they are trying to say. My multi-cultural background helps me be more respectful and at the same time critical of other cultures by processing ALL the information and not only bits & pieces of it. I know how it feels like being mis-understood so I try to make an effort to understand others on a deeper level.

There’s a uniqueness to all of us, it can be found anywhere, find yours!